- While she was "flying" down the
road yesterday (20 miles over
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
Traffic Ticket $95.00
- A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.
Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!nd pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvet te, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
- A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of
the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in
a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
- The Blonde & The Heart Attack
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten hussy," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!! "
- Chicks ...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
- A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"
**** it's only funny because my Mom actually did it ****
- The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news."The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President.""Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?""The handwriting's the first lady's."- A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor.""Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
- A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it."Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
- How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?10. One to hold the bulb in place and 9 to drink until the room spins.
- A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
- One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and his dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, and offers it to the dog.A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
- Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!""What do you mean?" said Dad."Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
- Your mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.
- How many men does it take to make pop popcorn?Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.
- Attending a wedding for the first time, Little Susie whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."Litte Susie thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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